posted March 29, 2013
Colin Sweeney won his race against the clock. Facing a possible third strike before the Illinois Supreme Court announced their decision on enhancement of the three-strikes law, Sweeney made sure he had the best legal eagles money can buy repping him, adding name partner Will Gardner to his defense along with St. Alicia Florrick.
The move paid off, and Sweeney emerged victorious. He did get billed with a $1,500 (chump change to Sweeney) and he must serve thirty days in jail for being the least liked CEO wife- murderer in the Midwest disorderly conduct. But to the deviant Sweeney, “30 day sentence” is just another name for month-long holiday at a resort where the décor is minimalist but the sexuality adventurous. Win-win?
posted March 29, 2013
Nearly one month after Illinois Supreme Court Justice Roger Ludwig took his fateful spin on an icy road, rumors are flying about who will take the justice’s seat. The winner of the Illinois governor’s race - currently too close to call - will strongly influence the choice of judicial nominee. Insiders are watching both the Florrick and Kresteva campaigns for clues as to potential nominees.
The campaigns, in turn, are hoping to raise donations by unofficially leaking their top choices. Reports have Peter Florrick approaching attorney Diane Lockhart of Lockhart Gardner for the spot, in the hopes of strengthening his support among women voters. Diane Lockhart has been friendly with the Florrick camp, most recently helping him prep for his lethal debate against Dem upstart Maddie Hayward. And of course, it is Diane Lockhart who hired his wife when she was forced to return to the workforce because her husband was… indisposed, sure let’s go with that, at the time. Looks like Lockhart’s favor could be getting repaid in spades.
What do you think, readers? Do you like the idea of Diane Lockhart on the bench? Who’s your pick for the empty Illinois Supreme Court seat?
posted March 29, 2013
Lindsay Lohan, Chris Brown, Colin Sweeney - some people just can't stay away from the courtroom. The infamous Colin Sweeney found himself back in court today. No, no, it's notwhat you think... no one was found dead anywhere near him this time. Baby steps, y'all! No, Mr. Sweeney's appearance in court today stemmed from charges relating to his birthday celebration this past fall at the Hirschorn Club. Ex-cons in manors plus Venetian carnival masks and cool jazz equals sexy times. Said no one, ever.
Sweeney, 1-1 on beating past murder charges, last seen at the courthouse as the defendant in a paternity suit that was the result of a turkey baster (yeah, that), brought what every troubled criminal brings to court with him, the classiest lady lawyer he can find. Sure enough, there was St. Alicia Florrick by his side this morning. But even Mrs. Florrick's sterling public reputation isn't enough to cover up the lecherous stench of Mr. Sweeney. One thing we do know, it should make for an interesting trial.
Readers, what new fun do you think this Sweeney trial will bring? Leave it in the comments below!
posted March 25, 2013
It was a disappointing night for candidates Peter Florrick and Mike Kresteva at the Chicago Shamrock, as Cardinal James withheld the traditional embrace that signals his support from both candidates, making this the first Chicago Shamrock Dinner in memory without an endorsement. This leaves a good portion of the Catholic vote up in the air. So what will those voters do? Vote for the lusty lech, Florrick, or the glugging glutton, Kresteva?
Our inside scoop reported back that Kresteva rumored to have slipped off the wagon, pounding first a whiskey and then the restroom’s tiled wall with his nose. Maybe it’s all part of an image campaign and he figured a black eye and askew tie would help him look more "authentically South Side." If this is true and gee wiz do we hope it is—this could mean Florrick gets the upper hand in this race.
posted March 22, 2013
It''s that time of year again - bagpipes, crowded streets, green river, citywide drunkenness, and irreversible liver damage. It’s St. Patty’s Day in Chicago! And what better way to class it up on the biggest day of the year than with the white-tie Chicago Shamrock Dinner at the Astor Street Mansion? The Chicago Shamrock (say that 5 times fast on 4 pints of Guinness) - where the leaders of today schmooze so they can be the leaders of tomorrow.
And since it''s an election year, we’re paying special attention to which gubernatorial candidate the honorable Cardinal James will be bestowing his blessing upon. Will it be Republican Mike Kresteva or Democrat Peter Florrick? If you get the good Cardinal''s approval, along with it comes a boost in the Catholic vote and you get two holes punched in your Illuminati card.
posted March 18, 2013
But what of Jordan Karahalios, the wunderkind brought in at the eleventh hour to reset the course of the flagging Florrick campaign? We imagined him at the Signature Room at the top of the Hancock looking down on his burgeoning empire, savoring his moment of victory.
Insiders paint a different story, however, telling our intrepid political reporter that the campaign atmosphere grew tense when Eli Gold returned to the campaign and Karahalios stayed aboard. The two repeatedly clashed over strategy, and in the end, Florrick went with the advice of his main squeeze and Golden Boy over the opinion of a man who wore a knit beanie to work. Huh. Go figure. Rumor is that Eli Gold set Jordan up for the fall, but no one can pinpoint exactly how. No fingerprints? Ah, the Gold standard..
But with a new political enemy as shrewd as he is baby-faced, Eli better keep looking over his shoulder. Something tells us this guy’s just getting started.
posted March 18, 2013
Oh happy day! The results are in and our dear Captain Malfeasance has bested Maddie "The Boss" Hayward. He now gets set to face off against Republican Mike Kresteva for the highest office in the state. That’s right: it's the reformed drunk vs. the reformed womanizer in a race where the voters of Illinois are the real winners.
Guys. Seriously. Is it too late for a write-in campaign? Dennis Rodman seems to be getting his diplomacy bona fides these days. Miley's got some time, now that she's not planning three weddings as a 21-year-old. (Psst, Miley: Smartest move ever, girl! High five through the computer.) But let's get moving and find ourselves another option. Then, Kresteva and Florrick can backslide back to floozin’ and boozin' their way through the Heartland, discovering an unlikely friendship in the process. Get David Gordon Green to direct, and BOOM! – democracy is saved.
posted March 11, 2013
Uhhh, so... hm. We are so happy to hear that leading local businessman and honorable community leader, Lemond Bishop, has been cleared of his scurrilous murder charge. We hope whatever pettifogger federal attorney was assigned to this case gets fired for their debasing of this fine individual, Mr. Bishop.
With the help of his reputable attorney, Alicia Florrick, Mr. Bishop can now return to what he does best -- run his job-creating, society-improving businesses throughout the greater Chicago area.
We almost lost an upstanding role model for the youth. That was a close one. Yeah. We mean it. We swear, Mr. Bishop.
posted March 8, 2013
The day has come when Chicago's very own, homegrown drug lord, Lemond Bishop, is getting his just desserts. Bishop, arrested by the FBI this past fall, is about to go before federal court. What's that? Murder, you say? And to think, we were expecting something as small as tax evasion – what's more Chicago than that? But with a murder charge against the Scourge of Chicago, we’re sure the federal judge is sizing up which Tolstoy-sized tome to throw at him.
The Wretch of West Adams, the Scalawag of the South Side (as the Irish know him) has been filling the streets with narcotics for years now, all the while claiming to be an upstanding businessman. After engaging and winning in a brutal turf war two years ago, and with hundreds of deaths connected to his organization, the Reprobate of Roseland is finally going away. As expected, Bishop is pulling out the stops too, hoping that the mere presence of his attorney, St. Alicia Florrick and her marriage to the city’s top prosecutor will be enough to paint him in a positive light. A last desperate attempt of a despicable criminal who is finally going to get all that's coming to him. Schthook-tuh – (that's us spitting in his general direction).
posted March 4, 2013
Peter Florrick pulled out a win against Maddie Hayward last night in the campaign's only gubernatorial debate. Hayward initially came out swinging, taking pot shots at Florrick's dicey record on race in his time in the S.A.'s office. Florrick seemed to be fine taking the body blows as he daydreamed, contemplating his acceptance speech.
Florrick must've hit the Keurig machine during the brief break, because the second half gave us the Peter of old. Yee-haw! His strong showing finally revealed the experience gap, with the seasoned veteran dominating the rest of the debate. Fresh off this victory, the Florrick campaign landed another KO against the Feds, who dropped charges against his campaign mastermind, Eli Gold. With Eli Gold back in his corner, growling orders at him like Mick, Florrick is setting his eyes on the title fight with Mike Kresteva for Governor of Springfield.
posted March 4, 2013
Ding ding! We've got the Illinois Gubernatorial Democratic Primary Debate coming up in two days... giving us the long-awaited showdown between Cook County State's Attorney Peter Florrick and CEO Maddie Hayward.
Florrick has been rumored to be hunkered down in debate prep for the past several weeks. Hayward has been pummeling him ferociously in the press, and Florrick hopes to use the debate to regain the upper hand with the voters. Our girl Maddie, on the other hand, is the bigger question mark. As the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, MH Microelectronics, she's an adept public speaker, but it will be her first time in a formal debate setting. Will she take home the big prize? (Argo f*** yourself, Maddie!) Will she win but somehow manage to turn everyone against her? (Tip to Maddie: no simpering "It came true!" in a sexy baby voice) Or flop like the sweat off of Seth MacFarlane's brow? Predictions, readers?
posted March 4, 2013
It's on the streets. Chicago's favorite political mover and shaker, Eli Gold has found himself in the crosshairs of the Feds. The Department of Justice is more determined than ever to get their man after their corruption case fell flatter than Jennifer Lawrence managing a staircase on international TV. (We kid, J-Law! And we love you! Call us!) Adding fuel to the flames, political gossiper journalist Petra Moritz from the Vindicator released a scathing piece on the "corrupt" Mr. Gold.
Faced with additional public scrutiny, Gold has stepped away from Peter Florrick's campaign. When your record is seen as sullying the guy who slept with hookers, it's safe to say you've been playing some pretty dirty politics. But is this gambit by Eli Gold to protect his rising star too little too late? Readers, share your comments below.
posted February 18, 2013
We were right. We predicted some extra special craziness over at Lockhart-Gardner. And with their recent riches, the biggest decision they’ve made is to take back their partner offers to five associates. Sharing isn’t caring at LG – and they aren’t about to give up an extra hundred of their projected $133 million.
Ouch! Tough break for those almost-partners. Hard to listen to your bosses explain how they don’t have money for partners as the new pool boy rides the Bengal tiger up and down the halls.
And if this hypocrisy is salt in the wound of those poor associates, then the news that one very special associate – none other than Alicia Florrick – did make the cut, is just the lime juice after the salt. Hey there, associates, we feel for ya. Sometimes there’s nothing to do but add tequila.
posted February 15, 2013
It looks like the silver-tongued snake of Chicago, Eli Gold, has reached the end of his rope. Facing corruption charges from the Department of Justice, the campaign manager for Super-Gubernatorial candidate Florrick has hired his attorney in his corruption case – a crimson-haired belle with a name that facilely fumbles out the mouth – Elsbeth Tascioni.
This freelance attorney may seem sweet and adorable, but her catlike reflexes are matched by her ability to claw out wins for some pretty big names – among them Peter Florrick and Will Gardner. And the only other connection between those two names is Alicia Florrick, Peter’s wife and a partner at Gardner’s firm. We kinda hope that St. Alicia is besties with Elsbeth, the scarlet enchantress of the court. We like to imagine them sharing all kinds of girl talk about the bad boys of the Cook County legal world.
posted February 15, 2013
Go the spoils. And the firm of Lockhart-Gardner is just that – spoiled. For a firm that was in a financial pit of quicksand a month ago, LG has now found itself diving through a mountain range of gold coins. With a firm whose past four years have reflected the business acumen of a 21-year-old pro athlete, we can only imagine what the riches will lead to for LG – an old fashioned shopping spree! And our sources got their hands on LG’s shopping list:
- 1 extra floor of office space
- 2 executive washrooms for Lockhart and Gardner equipped with “His and Her” Egyptian cotton towels.
- 1 Boca Raton partner retreat for “morale building” purposes
- 5 new partners
- 10 paralegals – incl. 1 minority, 1 female, and 1 minority female
- 1 Bengal tiger (David Lee insisted)
- 1 Topiary garden – marsupials only
- 45 Best Boss Ever mugs
- 45 Swingline staplers (red) – so every partner can have their own
- 1 color printer
- 2 guard dogs – 1 Rottweiler, 1 Bichon Frisé
- 1 box Sharpies
- 1 Sharpei
- 12 Wireless Bluetooth speakers
- 1 Banksy print
- 1 Roomba
- 15 sets of Gordon Gecko suspenders
- 1 underground Zombie apocalypse bunker
- 3 champagne fountains
- 1 pool boy (I mean, how can you not?)
- 5 boxes paper clips
posted January 28, 2013
A new civil rights ceiling is about to be broken. This one was tougher than the last it wasn't made of glass, or wood, or drywall. Two women have stood together bravely, courageously speaking their truth to the entire world that they are less inclined to put their faith and destiny in the hands of a higher power. That’s right, they are Atheists!
Gubernatorial candidate Maddie Hayward and the wife of her opponent, Alicia Florrick, spoke to a reporter recently regarding their non-belief belief. At Chicago’s recent Leadership Forum, both ladies respectively stated for the record: "I'm an atheist." There they are the Rosa Parks of non-believers! What say you, dear readers, on this proclamation?
posted January 25, 2013
"..."To the East Siiiide!” Look who's been offered a promotion why, it's Alicia Florrick! As thousands of other young associates around the country drown themselves in Manhattans and upgrade their business cards to mollify their envy, this 4th-year associate has been offered partnership at her recently defibrillated firm, Lockhart-Gardner.
Some say it's who you know. Others say it's who you're related to. But there's no better reference than "My Husband, the Governor." In fact, Alicia Florrick is the perfect rom-com heroine for our times. She bagged the bad boy and got him reformed, all the while snagging that corner office in record time. Tell us faithful readers do you think Saint Alicia deserves this promotion?
posted January 25, 2013
These days, the once vibrant, virile firm of Lockhart-Gardner is looking more like a flimsy, twitching, dithering body, desperately trying to relish every last breath. LG was given a rather gracious five months to bring itself out of bankruptcy. Reports tell us that they're only half way there. But now time is up...
For Diane Lockhart and Will Gardner—arguably two of the shrewdest litigators in town—they'll have to bring their bag of tricks as they go before the bankruptcy judge this week. They've managed to survive a partner's suspension, a bad economy, a RICO investigation, but now the question on everyone's mind is this: Can Lockhart-Gardner survive bankruptcy? Stay tuned...
posted January 14, 2013
Happy New Year and welcome back, Snarkers! We hope 2013 is treating you well thus far. Although in its infancy, 2013 is already unleashing some unholy unions upon us...
No sooner had we finished reeling from the news of the Kimye baby were we greeted with the arrival of one Jordan Karahalios to the Florrick campaign. Batten down the hatches, y'all! Who knows what the marriage of old school Eli Gold and young turk Jordan Karahalios will spawn?
One thing is certain: There is no universe in which Eli Gold signed off on this move... which means Peter Florrick okayed this "boy wonder" coming on board and as an equal to his long-time trusted advisor!
Worst of all, it's hard to believe this new coupling doesn't foretell the end of our totes fave "it" couple, Peter Florrick and Eli Gold. What could have possibly come between Gold and his golden boy? Get typing, tipsters, and help us out! Whatever's going on at Florrick HQ, we're predicting 2013's going to be one to remember!
posted December 3, 2012
Which newly-minted ASA was spotted getting cozy over tequila shots at The Grid with Chicago's 16th most eligible bachelor?
Sidebar: How long do those most eligible bachelor rankings last, anyway? Surely there are other contenders worthy of muscling a formerly suspended lawyer out! Move over, Number 16! Suggestions for who should take his place?
posted December 3, 2012
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have an answer. The Feds are investigating Eli Gold for his role as campaign manager in Peter Florrick's campaign. The Department of Justice is currently finishing a raid of Peter Florrick's Chicago campaign office. But what's the corruption, Kenneth? More details to follow as they become available!
posted November 30, 2012
We've made it through the madness of Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cyber Monday, but there are still a few hard-to-shop-for names on our list that have us stumped. What do you get the campaign manager who has everything? Hmm, perhaps... his very own corruption investigation?
A certain accordion-playing Fed was spotted chatting up Eli Gold at his usual Greektown breakfast spot yesterday morning. And from the look on Mr. Gold's face, it was a conversation he would've been happy to do without.
Help us out, tipsters! What's the Department of Justice doing digging around the town's biggest campaign manager? Are they investigating one of his many former campaigns - perhaps ex-wife Vanessa Gold's failed bid for State Senate? Or his current golden boy Peter Florrick? Send your news our way!
posted November 26, 2012
We hate being right all the time. But before we left the office last week to stuff ourselves silly, we predicted that activist Jeremy Breslow was hunting down a case that he could take before SCOTUS.
One wrinkle we couldn't have foreseen (and blame entirely on the tryptophan): Breslow zeroing in on Lockhart-Gardner's super sexy tax fraud case. Only Breslow could take taxes and twist it into a fight against the Defense of Marriage Act. But something must've gone wrong in the proceedings, because days later he offered this very out-of-character quote in a primetime interview:
"Not every case is built for the Supreme Court. Sometimes, you just have to win it. And that's what I decided here... We discussed the possibility of a test case, but in the final analysis, Mr. Lamborne's freedom was key."
Sounds like posturing to us. We guess somebody didn't get the pretty little Supreme Court case he's been writing Santa about...
posted November 21, 2012
Rumor has it a certain activist attorney is sniffing around Chicago courtrooms this week. From the descriptions we've received the scent of a bloodhound, the drawl of a Texan, the passion for the law of a college sophomore, and the goatee of a Scottie we can only deduce that this litigating legend is none other than Jeremy Breslow. With a laundry list of past speaking engagements before SCOTUS, we can only imagine he's looking for a case that can put him back in front of Scalia.
One might assume that the failing LG would jump at the chance to partner with a famed litigator... like a Tampa socialite and a meaningless title! But instead, we hear rumblings that it's far from a happy marriage...
posted November 19, 2012
It's that time of year. Changing colors. The chill sweeping through Chicago. You can't help but feel the magic in the air as Illinois campaigns throw out any talk of issues and return to what they do best. Silly season is here again!
This latest installment features Grace Florrick, daughter of gubernatorial candidate Peter Florrick, getting smartphOWNED by a tracker capturing her taking a break from her trig class.
So what do we have here? Could she possibly be cutting class in order to work on a science fair project, testing the age-old question, "Can cigarette smoke mask the pungent scent of adolescent pheromones?"
While there are no campaign fingerprints on the video, it's assumed that Republican candidate Mike Kresteva's people are behind this. Congratulations, Oppo Research! You succeeded in catching a teenager playing hooky with the school's bad boy. What you lack in your ability to dig up dirt you make up for with your pitches for adorable romcoms we would love to waste a Saturday afternoon watching.
To the Kresteva Oppo Research Team or whoever is behind this we beg you: Give us more! Chicago needs its very own version of The Hills. Privacy of minors be damned we're hooked and can't wait for episode two!
posted November 19, 2012
The trial of socialite Gwyneth Van Zanten is finally underway. The lurid tale of sex and murder preoccupied cocktail party chatter on the North Shore all summer, and at last, the trial ripped straight from a romance novel has begun.
Surely, for $125 an hour, a Pilates instructor does more than just lead their clients in the hundreds. Something else must be included at that price, no? Mini-quiches, some gardening... a hired murder here and there? It must! Otherwise, these rich bored housewives are paying more than a dollar per sit-up for someone to count. That's not possible, is it? Oh, rich people! Your ways are so fascinating!
posted November 12, 2012
Millionaire Maddie has stressed the importance of education in her platform, and the new gubernatorial candidate has hit upon a unique way of improving students' knowledge of geography by leaking allegations from Indira Starr to reporters that Peter Florrick has a Brazil-shaped birthmark on his nether regions.
Thus far, the Florrick camp has refused to address the rumor, but we have it on good authority that just like the real thing, Florrick's lil Brazilian loves thongs, thinks Gisele doesn't visit often enough, and periodically experiences extreme inflation.
Poor Brazil. As if you hadn't suffered enough at the hands of the conquistadors.
posted November 12, 2012
Rumors are swirling that beleaguered LG might be on the auction block. Trustee Clarke Hayden has quietly been looking for a buyer who would be interested in acquiring some or all of the fading white shoe firm. Fabulous Loop location, furniture, art, and one frequently sanctioned partner included!
L.A. firm Milburn, Tate & Crandell has been making noise about expanding into the Midwest. When partner Burl Preston was in Chicago this week, Hayden floated the idea of acquiring LG. My sources say word of Hayden's offer quickly got back to Lockhart & Gardner, who are already chafing under the control of a trustee, and sparks flew.
But for all their bluster, Lockhart & Gardner don't have a lot of leverage in this fight. What do you think, dear readers? Do you see LG going Californian?
posted November 12, 2012
Late night viewers got an eyeful last week when rising comic Therese Dodd bared all during a visit to Barsky at Night. Dodd and the legions of Internet users who have made her the most popular web search of the past week defends her actions, claiming it was done to raise awareness about breast cancer and the importance of self-exams.
But it was no laughing matter to the network, and Therese Dodd could now find herself on the hook for $2 million dollars. Yikes, that is one costly trick or teat!
posted November 5, 2012
Looks like Maddie "Like a Boss" Hayward took that Helen Reddy Spotify mix she made to heart, announcing her candidacy for Governor of Illinois at a press conference earlier this morning.
But what of her fledgling friendship with her opponent's wife, Alicia Florrick? Ouch. Tough to stay gal pals when you're slugging it out with your friend's husband. And now that we have an actual race on our hands, we're wagering the mudslinging will start any second and get all over Alicia's nice new suit.
If we were the cynical types (who, us?), we might even suspect that Maddie had gone out of her way to befriend Florrick's missus and disarm her into giving up some potential ammo. Not that Alicia needs to give her anything; the man of the house is doing just fine in that department...
posted November 5, 2012
Seems like Synth's attack dog Mandy Post had her own personal reasons for that hit job she recently unleashed on Democratic frontrunner Peter Florrick. Four years ago, Florrick's SA's office prosecuted and convicted her cousin on a child molestation charge, though the family has always maintained he is innocent. Awkward...
When Mandy's bosses at Synth learned of their reporter's ulterior motive, they sacked her on the spot.
And we haven't even gotten to the best part yet! The tenacious muckraker who uncovered Post's questionable ethics was none other than Peggy Byrne, whom we hear Mandy swiped the Indira Starr story from in the first place. Looks like the karma police just wrote Mandy a post-script...
posted November 2, 2012
What makes the campaign world go round? Cold hard cash, baby! We at Snark have heard some rumblies in the tumblies of the Chicago political scene that gubernatorial frontrunner Peter Florrick could be losing some key donors after his latest bimbo eruption. Silver lining: the story will most likely secure his grip on the crucial frat boy vote. Jeah, brah!
But with money suddenly drying up faster than a snowball in hell, what's a quick way to raise some cash? You could grab a pink dress, head to Italy and take some photos of you "celebrating" your wedded bliss, praying some fool ponies up real money for them. But good luck getting St. Alicia on board for that one...
We vote for Plan B: Tapping into the base. Look for Florrick to pass the red Solo cup at the next kegger, threatening that we'll all be drinkin' bathroom gin for the next four years if he doesn't make it to the Governor's mansion...
posted October 29, 2012
PoorAnarchy.com has released a photo of campaign worker - and alleged Florrick conquest -- Indira Starr.
Yowza. The one-two punch of bling and a bikini? We're digging your style, Starr.
It appears from this photo that this avid fan of the two-party system may have taken Kanye West's advice and "thrown some D's on it." Taking life advice from Kanye can only lead to greatness, so expect to see more from this up-and-comer!
posted October 26, 2012
State's Attorney Peter Florrick is looking to sweep the competition away at this weekend's Cook County Democratic Party Gubernatorial Straw Poll (more commonly known as CCDPGSP). In Cook County, Florrick has been dominating the media more than the entire Lohan clan combined for a number of years now with his history of chivalrous assistance of women on the street, deep personal interest in prison facilities, and confused interview stylings.
Florrick's challengers - the downstate Oliver Staub and State Rep. Neil Acavello - are hoping to swipe at least 10% of the vote away from the hometown host. Unless someone spikes the corn dog batter with a psychotropic, does anyone really believe these voters can be swayed? Tell us what you think, faithful readers!
posted October 22, 2012
Do you like the combination of deep fried butter on a stick with non-binding voting on the sawdust-covered carpet of a 4-star hotel? Who doesn't? Well then, "pardner," hurry on down to the Cook County Democratic Party Gubernatorial Straw Poll (That sure rolls off the tongue, don't it?). Come watch as State's Attorney Peter Florrick attempts to lock in the Democratic nomination for Governor with a substantial win over the other candidates.
So pick up the kids, bring 'em downtown, and teach 'em about two proud staples of Chicago history -- political corruption and meats on sticks! We'll see ya there!