AN OPEN LETTER TO LANA TIMMERMAN

posted September 26, 2010

Dear Lana,

Okay. I get it. The only two people who ever really know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it. Hey, Hillary stayed and look how that worked out. She�s now happily married to a man she sees four times a year for occasional visits to Chelsea and Kim Jong-il.

But Hillary had a reason to stay. As far as I can tell, you have no political quid-pro-quo going on here, while you do have swollen ankles and nausea. And you know what feels really good nine months in? Dropping 190 lbs of dead weight. Yeah. Go ahead and just imagine it. Sounds like heaven, doesn�t it?

You seem like a nice lady. I bet you have some friends you could talk to about all of this. I know what you�re thinking: but they never liked him.

Lana, real talk here. They more than don�t like him. Trust me, your friends haaaaaate this guy. Your enemies hate this guy. Your unborn child hates this guy. Yeah. Guess who�s not a fan of the press conferences and the lights and the loud noises and the reporters? You thought your child was just kicking because of all the stimulation. NO. Pay attention to those kicks. That child is angrily telling you in Morse code: THIS HAD BETTER BE FIXED BY THE TIME I GET OUT.

Every woman dates that guy that�s her kryptonite. The one that she can�t quite escape the orbit of. Yeah, we�ve all been there. We�ve all dated that jerk we couldn�t fully believe was a jerk and it drove our friends crazy because it was SO obvious. Lana, you married your jerk.

So here�s what I suggest. Call up Jenny Sanford and Marianne Gingrich. Suggest lunch. I think you two would have a lot to talk about. Maybe bring Alicia Florrick and Silda Spitzer with you. You�ll have a lot to discuss, beginning with the whole WTFness of it all, moving through the art of taking someone apart in public while still appearing gracious and even rueful, and ending up talking about shared daycare while you all tour in your girl-power band this summer. We�re rooting for all of you.