posted October 14, 2011

You may spot a rather unusual type of visitor to Chicago this weekend. The annual migration of Attorne intoxicati to Chicago kicked off last night with a cocktail reception and continues through the weekend. This animal can be identified by their navy or dark gray plumage (sometimes pinstriped, often Brioni) and distinctive mating call (off-color remarks about 'Badering your Ginsburg', frequent use of Latin phrases followed by doubled-over laughter).

Fortunately, the Midwest Bar Association´┐Żs annual conference lasts only four days. Initially scientists believed that these gatherings were meant for some type of continuing education and networking, but years of observation have led them to conclude that the stated purposes serve merely as a pretext to hide the group's actual motive of drunken mating and revelry.

If an Attornicus intoxicatus stumbles across your path, do not panic. Making sudden movements or engaging in any way with him will only excite the animal. Back away slowly, maintaining a fake smile but avoiding direct eye contact, and point to somewhere far away and mutter something about "mergers panel starting in two minutes".