posted October 19, 2012

A little birdie informed us that there are some special speaking engagements coming up for the "Florrick for Governor" campaign. Ladies, slow your roll and pull that mullet skirt back up, as it won't be with the candidate himself. Candidate Florrick is literally wheeling out his mother Jackie Florrick for the Alliance for Retired Americans. And when we say literally, we do mean "literally." Not "metaphorically" as many people are wont to do.

Word was that Candidate Florrick had a scare when his mother was hospitalized for a while this past spring. Death Panels be damned you can't keep a good mom down. She'll be up on her feet in comfy Naturalizers, armed with Crayolas and poster board, doing whatever she can to make sure her sweet boy wins the race for Class President. Will Peter Florrick finally get the long coveted 4-point bump in the polls for octogenarians? Readers, what do you expect from Mama Florrick?

posted October 19, 2012

Kresteva's adorable cancer-stricken tyke has all but sewn up the Republican nomination for his dad. Frontrunner Peter Florrick has gotten the begrudging Chicago Dem machine chugging along behind him. But us? We've been left here sitting with our pinot gris, twiddling our thumbs. It's been a slow month. "Pop Star Vomits!" was a top story. Twice.

All of that changed when rumors began spreading like wildfire that an upcoming profile in The Synth would out yet another Captain Malfeasance misadventure.

Yet, since then, even our loosest-lipped sources have shut up and are staying mum. Someone in the Florrick camp has been working overtime keeping this news hushed up. What's so bad that it'd have Eli Gold shaking in his boots? We've got our fingers crossed for a Florrick "Gangnam Style" parody, but it's probably just a nubile young campaign worker in a hot tub. Still, we dare to dream...

posted October 15, 2012

Well, well, well. It looks like our harsh words last week may have inspired a little integrity in our competitor! We're hearing rumors that the upcoming Peter Florrick profile about to be published by The Synth could involve allegations of yet another bimbo eruption...

Watch this space, readers! If there's one thing we at Snark know how to do, it's sniff out a whore! (That sounded worse than we intended. You guys know what we mean.) Bimbos plusa chance to scoop our enemy? We're on it!

posted October 12, 2012

So Will "Mr. October" Gardner is 1-0 after winning his case last week. Maybe Lockhart-Gardner isn't beelining for the eighth circle of hell just yet.

But LG looks to be facing off against one of their toughest opponents - Internet overlord Neil Gross. LG has gone head-to-head with the Chumhum search engine-social networker twice before. Can a reenergized Mr. October keep his winning streak going? We'll find out in a couple of days...

posted October 12, 2012

Local scandalmongers are holding their breath for The Synth's upcoming Florrick profile, after the blog teased the unusual access the Florrick campaign granted them for the piece. "Feh," we say. And not because those upstart blogging hipsters are our (slightly more popular) sworn enemies. Eli Gold gave the Florrick profile to The Synth because he knows they'll write another fawning puff piece! Oooh, we're journalists with our investigations and questions! Ooh, look at us, we write our stories from our bean bag chairs in our West Loop office while an intern makes us organic lattes topped with those cool foam swans!

Well, we at Snark don't play that game. We hold the candidates feet to the fire! We write on a lumpy futon in our unheated studio apartment, not a cool converted loft! We have one Earl Grey tea bag and an ancient bottle of Sriracha sauce in our kitchen and that's it! But we do have you, our dear readers... and valuable sources. Come on readers, do you have anything on the candidate? We don't need a rumor; we're willing to take a murmur. Were you friends with Peter Florrick's college roommate's cousin-in-law? If so, tell us what you got!

posted October 8, 2012

We at Snark, along with the rest of the Chicagnoscenti (This is the year we make that word happen!), were shocked yesterday when prominent Emily's List supporter and Chicago Democratic doyenne Maddie Hayward announced she was endorsing none other than Peter Florrick for governor. Yup, hooker-banging Captain Malfeasance himself! And sources confirm that she backed up her endorsement with a considerable donation to the campaign, which is desperately in need of cash flow.

Maddie -- Can we call you Maddie? -- come sit over here a quick sec...

Sister friend, have all those semi-conductors melted your frontal cortex? You're a high-profile feminist and a supporter of politicians who are good for women. Yet you just wrote a five-figure check to a politician who did time in the clink and has a penchant for high-class call girls. Read that last sentence again.

Maddie, girlfriend, some ideas just have "Bad Idea" written all over them. A hair dryer and a bathtub. Justin Bieber and dairy before a dance breakdown. Lindsay Lohan, a Republican congressional staffer, and a late night hotel fete. All better ideas than this one.

Readers, tell her (or us) yourself: What do you think of Maddie's endorsement of Peter Florrick? Have at it in the comments!

posted October 5, 2012

After an "undisclosed" injury benched Will Gardner for six months, it appears the lethal litigator is pulling up his stirrups, slapping on his cup, and grabbing a glove as he heads back to court.

The timing couldn't be better. Facing the threat of folding, the team of Lockhart-Gardner is trying to pull themselves out of a hole bigger than the Grand Canyon. With bankruptcy court assigning LG a new club manager, trustee Clarke Hayden, will he be able to turn this squad around in time?

Keep in mind, Gardner's salary has put the team above the salary cap, and Hayden was already looking to make cuts to the lineup. Who's on the chopping block? Is Saint Alicia Florrick heading to the minors? Or what about former Deputy State's Attorney Cary "The Boy Wunder" Agos? He's been bounced from more teams than a grizzled Double-A ball lifer with a torn rotator cuff.

It's clear that something needs to be done. But can Will Gardner be LG's Mr. October when he takes the mound again?

posted October 1, 2012

Now that you're tired of searching online for images of Sofia's Emmy dress ripping all the way up to her Vergara, we at Snark have found something a bit more interesting online a video made by the son of governor candidate Captain Malfeasance Peter Florrick. Half-Pint Florrick was pulled over by an overeager Ponch, and it appears that outside of Cook County, the Florrick name doesn't have the same power to pull strings and whitewash police records.

So wha's a kid to do when they get pulled over? Forget dodging traffic court like the rest of us. You post it up on the interwebz! So with Lil Florrick's video now gaining more than 400,000 views online, maybe the candidate's son should consider running for V.P. of Pep Rallies. Those involve cheerleaders, right? Like father like son.

posted September 28, 2012

In a couple of days, the fall of once powerful Chicago law firm Lockhart-Gardner will be complete. It's been a long road from the old days when LG used to cruise through the Cook County Courthouse, racking up checkered flags like no other. But the firm has gone from classic roadster (as SLG), to stylish SUV (as LGB), to well-I-suppose-I-oughta hybrid (as LG), to this latest incarnation -- a beat-up pick-up truck breaking down at red lights.

With their star litigator and name partner Will Gardner suspended and not allowed to open his mouth in the courtroom, LG has lost their biggest client, web overlord Patric Edelstein. Only Diane Lockhart is left to present her case in bankruptcy court to salvage whatever they can from this rusted out jalopy. Will the firm be taken to the chop shop? Will LG get a much needed engine rebuild? Or will it just be left burned out and abandoned by the side of the Dan Ryan?

posted September 28, 2012

Campaign season if upon us once again! The race to Springfield is shaping up to be a barnburner. On the Democratic side, frontrunner Cook County State's Attorney Peter Florrick is fighting off a full field of contenders as he scrambles to solidify the nomination.

Republican Kresteva is going to release his first general ad this week. We at Snark got our grubby hands on a copy and were surprised to see that it takes aim more at his presumed opponent than any of the weak challengers within his own party. Sure, the ad's treacly enough to give a greeting card writer diabetes, but there's no denying its "family values" theme hits Florrick below his (unfastened) belt.

Every campaign has to fight attacks on multiple fronts. So play campaign manager for a minute. If you're the fabulous Eli Gold, how do you advise Peter to respond?

posted April 27, 2012

It appears that Will Gardner is on his way back to the storefront that carries his name. Lockhart-Gardner has been on a rollercoaster ride that resembles more of a Chris Brown relationship than a place of business.

It’s been a tough year for Gardner after surviving Wendy Scott-Carr’s hit-and-run grand jury and getting sideswiped by the bar association with a suspension from practicing law. But he avoided the head on collision with the 18-wheeler of disbarment. With a surefire win coming up in their pharmaceutical case, the firm that’s been in turmoil for the past three years looks to be finally getting some stability with Gardner’s return.

We at Snark are expecting a reinvigorated Will Gardner – bronzed from his days down by the lake, five o’clock shadow perfected, and slim and trim from training for a half-marathon – who must be itching to get back into court, ethically this time.

Who are we kidding? He hasn’t been sitting around his apartment constructing ships in a bottle or taking sitar lessons. The entire Chicago legal world knows Will’s been fronting and going into the office everyday. And it’s a good thing his suspension ends soon too, because Diane Lockhart wasn’t going to shell out for a change in stationery.

posted April 13, 2012

Reports are coming in that Eli Gold, crisis manager and campaign strategist guru, has shifted his scheming spotlight away from his golden boy Peter Florrick to his golden girl - his ex-wife, Vanessa Gold.

But it's not all cheesecake on the lanai. Juggling multiple campaigns is tough enough when one of the candidates isn't your ex-wife. And the past 48hours have seen Peter Florrick's presumed easy path to Springfield become much tougher and paved with newer, shinier candidates with equally good hair -- and a better relationship with the Chicago DNC. .

But if anyone's up for the job, it's our man Eli. One thing's certain, it's gonna be hella entertaining to watch. That's why we plan to send him apresent. So he can see the biggest gift would be from us, and the card attached would say, "Thank you for being a friend consistent source of fascinating political gossip." .

posted April 13, 2012

Rumblings are about that the Illinois governor race is starting to simmer... Unlike the world of Chicago, Republicans actually have a shot at the mansion in Springfield. (ugh... Springfield.) We may have an announcement soon, folks!

As has been predicted since Nostradamus foretold the rise of Bieber, recovering foot fetishist and Cook County State's Attorney Peter Florrick is assumed to be jumping into the race. But we're getting word that another Chicago Dem is preparing to announce any day.

What, two tributes from District 12, you say? How exciting!! We'll be over here, doing our best Effie Trinket imitations as we keep you updated on the bloody fight to see who will be crowned the 2012 winner of the Democratic primary for governor.

posted March 23, 2012

We've been scooped. We aren't afraid to admit it. Okay, yes we are. But someone beat us to a story. And when we say someone, we mean some other blog – the "Cook County-ienne." Blech. Scooped by the Tracy Flick of political blogs. With her "early bird gets the worm" and her "make sure to have two sources" and her "don't invent sex scandals just because it's a slow news day."

Since we started our blog, we've had a team of monkeys locked in a room with a white board and one dry erase marker, hopped up on 5-Hour Energy and Pop Rocks, and surrounded by US Weekly's and TMZ on constant refresh, all to come up with our stories. After all, we got a name to live up to – Snark Is the New Black. In contrast, the-blog-that-must-not-be-named writes their stories like real news items, using a fact-based approach. Snore. Our blog is more made up than Kim Kardashian, and we lay it thick with a trowel, too! Who do you think started telling everyone Snooki is pregnant?

Check out the next post to get our take on this actual newsworthy item...

posted March 23, 2012

Like any metropolis hoping to avoid a race riot, Chicago has compiled some notable names on the civilian-led panel currently being assembled to review the independent committee's investigation of the shooting of non-criminal African-American CTA rider Roland Masters at the Addison El platform. As you're probably aware by now, it's the most exciting thing to happen in that neighborhood since Sammy Sosa came in second in a home run race. (God, does anyone else miss the late '90s? Oh. You can't hear me over my screeching dial-up modem and this Pavement compact disc?)

To project the appearance of checks and balances, the panel consists of some white judges, white attorneys, Pastor Damon Yarrow - who provides religious affiliation and covers the minority quota for the group. We got word that the female lead in this drama, Diane Lockhart of the crumbling Lockhart/Gardner, is a bit busy trying to keep her firm together to participate. So we wonder who will step in to provide that feminine intuition to the oversight panel.

We got our money on Alicia Florrick. She's got a connection to the State's Attorney's office and lady parts? Sounds like an unbeatable combo to us.

posted March 09, 2012

We’ve been rather gracious to State's Attorney Peter Florrick for at least a few weeks, thinking he had put all his salacious appetites behind him, taking up a stringent diet of oh-yeah-I'm-married. But it appears that Captain Malfeasance's new clean State’s Attorney's office has a bit of a taint these days.

Reports have now come out that the S.A.'s office has become the new hotbed of workplace sex.

We're thinking cloaks and ceramic masks after hours. Word is that just a few nights ago, two Assistant State's Attorneys were doing the horizontal mambo (if people still do that these days) on S.A. Florrick's office couch or as he calls it – the pushin' cushions. We're still trying to find out if Florrick was holding the camera or not. But we'd never let facts get in the way of our baseless speculation.

See, now that's blog writing. Aww, they're just kids over there. They'll get the hang of it one of these days!

posted March 09, 2012

We've been scooped. We aren't afraid to admit it. Okay, yes we are. But someone beat us to a story. And when we say someone, we mean some other blog – the "Cook County-ienne." Blech. Scooped by the Tracy Flick of political blogs. With her "early bird gets the worm" and her "make sure to have two sources" and her "don't invent sex scandals just because it's a slow news day."

Since we started our blog, we've had a team of monkeys locked in a room with a white board and one dry erase marker, hopped up on 5-Hour Energy and Pop Rocks, and surrounded by US Weekly's and TMZ on constant refresh, all to come up with our stories. After all, we got a name to live up to – Snark Is the New Black. In contrast, the-blog-that-must-not-be-named writes their stories like real news items, using a fact-based approach. Snore. Our blog is more made up than Kim Kardashian, and we lay it thick with a trowel, too! Who do you think started telling everyone Snooki is pregnant?

Check out the next post to get our take on this actual newsworthy item...

posted March 02, 2012

It's been four years. Four years since we saw the last February 29th. Four years since the Beijing army of drummers frightened the foreign Olympians with their hip, unison beats. Four years since Obama's victory celebration filled Grant Park. It amazes us to say it but it's election time again.

In that time, Chicago has become the most important U.S. city for the first time since the Super Bowl Shuffle. With that comes all the wheeling and dealing that an election year brings. Rumor has it that the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina still has some slots available for the key speeches for the week. Apparently some members of the DNC committee are in town to meet with some of the local talent eager to grab one of the coveted spots. So you’re expecting someone with a booming voice and great gravitas to steal the spotlight? Forget gravitas. Our spies are telling us it’s going to be an up-and-coming politician with a great story and even greater hair. We’ll see soon enough.

posted March 02, 2012

Lockhart-Gardner. Formerly known as Lockhart Gardner & Bond. Formerly formerly known as Stern Lockhart Gardner. From SLG to the LGB to the LG. And now, yet another new name appears to be in the future as partner Will Gardner has just been suspended by the bar association. This year, Gardner's jugular has been as popular a target as Emma Stone's notorious bow. After a special investigation and a grand jury hearing, the skeletons in Gardner's closet have been creeping out like Angelina's leg from her dress slit. Ahh, the job of just being a lawyer.

Now the Chicago power firm will go through yet another transition. What will they do with all of Gardner's big money clients? Which lawyer is willing to step up to the nameplate? Could it be the biggest name in Chicago divorce with attorney David Lee? Or that favorite political salamander: crisis manager Eli Gold? Or is there someone we don’t see coming who's going to pull off the Streep surprise win?

(And if you didn't guess, yes, we sat through all 3 hours and 8 minutes of the Oscars.)

posted February 17 at noon EST

As you know, we at Snark are delighted that campaign season is finally heating up. And we particularly love this latest tidbit in the race for the primary for State Senator: Robert Mulvey, Santa’s Little Helper and statue fetishist, will face an opponent with solid D.C. and Chicago connections (always a handy combination). Vanessa Gold will be gunning for the seat as well. And yes, that name is Gold, as in her ex-husband, Eli Gold – campaign strategist and P.R. genius behind State’s Attorney Florrick’s return to the spotlight.

Is Vanessa Gold going to be stepping on her ex-husband’s political toes with a State Senate run? Or is Eli Gold running things from behind the scenes? We’re anxious to see if the vibe between these two political animals is the adorable happiness of Miranda and Blake or the bitter-enough-to-inspire-an-album-full-of-sad-songs-as-you-choke-on-my-dust of Adele and her loser ex or the just plain inspired cray-cray of Nikki Minaj and her pope fella?

posted February 17 at noon EST

Miss Congeniality may be losing her touch. Rather than bowing out gracefully with a smile and a curtsy after her failed judicial-lawyer-corruption-Oscar-bribing-who-knows-what-else grand jury investigation, Wendy Scott-Carr doesn’t appear to be exiting stage left. Rumor has it that after being handed her walking papers from State’s Attorney Peter Florrick, she beelined into the bar association with a file.

So who knows who her target is this time, but it’s some lawyer. Matlock better watch his back.

posted January 27, 2012 at Noon EST

With political season upon us, it's time to get back to those other issues incumbents have been avoiding for the past couple of years. Time to show everyone you care. Which means organizations like the Gay and Lesbian Alliance of Chicago (GLAC) are warming up their engines by hiring the top wheelers and dealers they can find to add their message to stump speeches.

Local crisis manager/P.R. genius Eli Gold – who last spring redeemed Peter Florrick enough to win his old job back and, in autumn, convinced us that listeria-laden cheese is not so bad – has lined up a meeting over at GLAC. But he can't be the only name in town. Look for at least one D.C. lobbyist flying in to prove to GLAC they actually have connections with, well, D.C. Will Mr. Gold handle the pressure or will he drop the ball like a Green Bay QB?

posted January 27 at 9am EST

So the big day has come for the Super Duper Friends led by Special Prosecutor Miss Congeniality (Wendy Scott-Carr). Word has just come down that Scott-Carr's investigation is likely coming to a close as she's been seen entering and leaving a grand jury room in the Cook County courthouse.

Though we're blocked from the grand jury room like Michael Lohan from a Daddy and Me class, we've still got a set of eyes and ears outside in the courthouse hall. We aren't quite sure where Scott-Carr's corruption investigation has landed her – from Lockhart-Gardner lawyers to S.A. Peter Florrick to Cook County judges to Lil Wayne (he's got a tat for that). But whomever she's finally decided to target will show up in that hallway – pacing, biting finger nails, and wishing they were as invisible as Kris Humphries.

posted January 17, 2012

Word is bouncing around that everyone's favorite mysterious online currency has just popped up with a strange message embedded in its code. Since we aren’t good at the nerd stuff, we turned to our resident geek to discover that the embedding was traced back to an IP address at none other than the firm of Lockhart-Gardner. What we are good at is unwarranted and baseless speculation. So could the creator be a member of LG? Let’s look at the suspects:

  • Diane Lockhart – A mastermind in her own right as she’s kept her firm afloat amongst partners leaving, fighting off coups, and constant turmoil. But computer mastermind? You can’t type code when your hands are white-knuckled as you hold your firm together.
  • Will Gardner – Mr. 20th on Chicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor list (Kanye’s ego bumped him back 4 spots). He seems to be positioning himself more as a former jock turned power lawyer and not the World of Warcraft type.
  • Alicia Florrick – Quiet, dutiful wife of scandalized politician/ex-con S.A. Peter Florrick. A hardworking attorney in great suits. You’d never think it was her. That’s exactly why she’s our lead suspect.
  • Kalinda Sharma – She’s a mysterious P.I. who's been spotted all around town, including the S.A.’s office. Obviously she’s got connections. But she’s on this list because of her extensive boot collection. That footwear can’t be cheap. Can you buy boots with online currency?

posted January 17, 2012

Wendy Scott-Carr and her Super Duper Friends are narrowing their focus in her very special investigation. Word has it that with the help of the Boy Wunder, Deputy S.A. Cary Agos, they have whittled down the list of those suspected of judicial corruption. So keep on the look out, Judges Winter, Dunaway, & Parks. (That’d make a great name for a too-big-to-fail firm, wouldn’t it?) You have Miss Congeniality angling her death glare and smiles right onto your backs. This probably won’t play out too well for S.A. Florrick if Scott-Carr botches this.

posted January 17, 2012

We’ve heard it through the grapevine that a certain online currency is in trouble with the U.S. government. Said currency has an attorney who was seen entering the Lockhart-Gardner offices followed by a couple suited, fedora types. But not your usual, sly G-Men. More like two Kevin Costners trying to be taken seriously as Elliot Ness. Wait… that’s it, they were Treasury agents!

These two were just the latest in a series of federal agents swinging by the law firm at 840 N. Dearborn Street. From State’s Attorneys to United State’s Attorneys to Treasury agents to meetings with the FBI, it seems LG has a new niche in their all-service firm – the 10 Most Wanted List.

Or those guests could’ve been the Men in Black. Because anyone who masterminded a digital currency has to be from another galaxy.

posted January 9, 2012

Are you a fan of amusement parks? Do you love the whirlwind spin of a ride? Do you love the thrill of a roller coaster lifting your stomach into your throat? Then head on down to Lockhart-Gardner! The excitement never stops.

Apparently a divorce from two years ago is biting them in the ass. The reconciled couple has sued the partners, from divorce superstar David Lee to Lockhart and Gardner themselves. Now the partners have set their sights on each other as their wallets will be opened up if they are to lose this suit. In these circumstances, someone usually ends up taking the Thrown Under the Bus ride! Looking forward to the bumpy conclusion.

posted January 9, 2012

Word on the street is that power lawyer Will Gardner of Lockhart-Gardner has been interviewing attorneys. And we're not talking about job openings at the firm. We're drawing blind-ass conclusions that something's coming down on the 16th Most Eligible Chicago Bachelor, which not only could threaten his name on his letterhead, but may even bump him down to 20th. After all, Russell and Yeezy are single this year. (Oh Kanye, you were so missed.) And Ms. Lively, you'd better hurry and scoop Will Gardner up before he's behind bars. Conjugals aren't allowed in Illinois.

(Okay, so much for resolutions. Hey, give us some credit – we lasted longer than a Trump campaign.)

posted January 6, 2012

This is it! This is the year that we at Snark straighten up and fly right! This year we’re going to take the honored step from bloggers to online journalists. You’ll see. When a scandal hits, just the facts, ma’am, just the facts. We promise no LiLo or Kanye references. We won't even touch the Katy-Russell divorce or how on earth Blake Lively is getting all that tail. We swear.

posted December 12, 2011

There were audible gasps in the courtroom last night as the jury announced the guilty verdict in the Lauryn Fisher murder case. Fisher, a well-regarded veteran of the Chicago Police Dept, was found guilty of second-degree murder of her husband. The Lockhart Gardner defense team argued that Mr. Fisher's death was not a murder but a suicide, stressing a ballistics report that supported the theory that the wound was self-inflicted. The SA's office still managed a conviction, however, and the prosecutor with the feather in his cap is none other than recently promoted Cary "the Boy Wunder" Agos.

The 28-year-old white wunderkind's prosecution of an African-American female cop has fueled charges of racial bias in the SA's office. Furthermore, the CPD objected to the verdict as one of their own being railroaded, casting a chill over the cozy relationship the police and SA's office typically share. Even without the plummeting temperatures in Chicago, we'd advise the new Deputy State's Attorney to button up. We guess things are about to suddenly turn pretty frosty for the Boy Wunder.

posted December 12, 2011

Mention "Creep" around the Snark offices and you'll get one of two responses. One half of the room will jump up and enthusiastically sing TLC. The other half will morosely wail Radiohead. [I'll give you one guess which half is writing this post.] But mention the word "creep" around the S.A.'s office and you'll get a knowing eye roll in reaction to Wendy Scott-Carr's "special" prosecution.

So bear with us as we spell out Scott-Carr's mission creep:

Wendy Scott-Carr should've known all along: it always leads back to Kevin Bacon.