AMBER MADISON: GOING BEYOND THE CALL (GIRL) OF DUTY

postedOctober 6, 2010

Christmas has come early to Chicago, my dear Snarkophiles, as Amber Madison proves herself once again to be the gift that keeps on giving. Imagine my delight to awake this morning to find that everyone´s favorite call girl has produced her very own campaign ad endorsing former toe-sucking client Peter Florrick. And while I don´t expect her to be accepting a Grammy any time soon, the girl´s got chops (Robert Frost may be rolling in his grave, but anyone who dares to rhyme "candidate" with "stimulate" gets an attaboy from this blog hog.) Miss Madison may not have quite reached Obama Girl status yet, but I can tell you she's hotter than any demon sheep I´ve ever seen. So what´s the consensus? Is this just a cheaply transparent attempt to get her name back in the news? Or has she found a new way to screw Captain Malfeasance yet again? And this time, my guess is he won´t be leaving the money on the dresser...

GLENN CHILDS: THE COATED CRUSADER STRIKES AGAIN!

postedOctober 3, 2010

Rumor has it that after S.A. Childs´s office lost a murder case, a hotshot model A.S.A. of his passed it on to military court so JAG could charge the recently acquitted man for the same crime. Congrats, Mr. Randall Simmons! You just avoided getting life in prison and now you can get the military death penalty.

How can this happen to a man that was found innocent? To get the answer, look no further than Simmons´s lawyers–it´s Alicia Florrick´s firm, Lockhart, Gardner & Bond. It stings when you lose to the wife of your campaign rival, right Glennie? Are innocent people getting caught up in a Florrick/Childs vendetta? Now girls, girls–you´re both pretty.

BRIEFLY NOTED...

postedOctober 1, 2010

Which flirtatious legal editor took a particular interest in one recent interview subject? His recent inclusion on a list of prominent bachelors made his opinions on exclusionary evidence all the more fascinating, and she was spotted doing the walk of shame from his West Loop condo the following morning. Guess she wanted to make sure she´d thoroughly covered the excited utterance exception?

JESSE JACKSON, JR. – WHY DOES THERE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A BLONDE?

postedSeptember 29, 2010

You´ve probably heard the news by now Jesse Jackson Jr. is accused of offering former Governor Rod Blagojevich millions in cash for an appointment. It´s good old-fashioned backroom Chicago style corruption. Cold hard cash for political advancement. But no one´s really focusing on that we´re all looking at the blonde.

Cause it wouldn´t be a scandal without a little sex. Reporters say she´s a waitress/hostess/model, who made at least two trips to see Jackson on an Indian businessman´s dime. You can view her pictures online (but you have already, haven´t you?) And we didn´t really need to look at them. We knew what she´d look like: blonde, tan, artificially enhanced. The question this blogger´s posing: Why´s it always have to be a blonde? Couldn´t you have strayed a little from the norm, Jesse? If I´m gonna have to see her face plastered everywhere instead of reading the real news, I might as well see something different. Maybe more Monica Lewinsky meets Kat Von D? Just a thought, Jesse...

WE´RE SHAKEN AND STIRRED.

postedSeptember 28, 2010

Bond. Derrick Bond.

Who is that mysterious man in the suit? That´s the question that´s got both legal eagles and political types scrambling to get background. So far, all we know that he´s recently arrived from DC, apparently part of the influx to Chicago Axelrod and Co were hoping would result from the Obama election.

Personally, we think it´s interesting timing for the partner of a K Street law firm to make the move to Chicago. Have we mentioned that his firm is merging with Lockhart Gardner? Wait, where have we heard that name before? Ohhhh that´s right it´s Alicia Florrick´s firm.

So a political connected law firm merges with Lockhart Gardner just as Peter Florrick begins his run at political redemption. And we´re supposed to believe that Lockhart Gardner Bond isn´t housing the Florrick campaign HQ?

Please. His campaign manager, Eli Gold, moved all his business to Lockhart Gardner months ago. And now? Capital from the Capitol for our guilty-whoops-our-bad-no-you´re-not former SA with an eye on the national stage.

AN OPEN LETTER TO LANA TIMMERMAN

postedSeptember 26, 2010

Dear Lana,

Okay. I get it. The only two people who ever really know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in it. Hey, Hillary stayed and look how that worked out. She´s now happily married to a man she sees four times a year for occasional visits to Chelsea and Kim Jong-il.

But Hillary had a reason to stay. As far as I can tell, you have no political quid-pro-quo going on here, while you do have swollen ankles and nausea. And you know what feels really good nine months in? Dropping 190 lbs of dead weight. Yeah. Go ahead and just imagine it. Sounds like heaven, doesn´t it?

You seem like a nice lady. I bet you have some friends you could talk to about all of this. I know what you´re thinking: but they never liked him.

Lana, real talk here. They more than don´t like him. Trust me, your friends haaaaaate this guy. Your enemies hate this guy. Your unborn child hates this guy. Yeah. Guess who´s not a fan of the press conferences and the lights and the loud noises and the reporters? You thought your child was just kicking because of all the stimulation. NO. Pay attention to those kicks. That child is angrily telling you in Morse code: THIS HAD BETTER BE FIXED BY THE TIME I GET OUT.

Every woman dates that guy that´s her kryptonite. The one that she can´t quite escape the orbit of. Yeah, we´ve all been there. We´ve all dated that jerk we couldn´t fully believe was a jerk and it drove our friends crazy because it was SO obvious. Lana, you married your jerk.

o here´s what I suggest. Call up Jenny Sanford and Marianne Gingrich. Suggest lunch. I think you two would have a lot to talk about. Maybe bring Alicia Florrick and Silda Spitzer with you. You´ll have a lot to discuss, beginning with the whole WTFness of it all, moving through the art of taking someone apart in public while still appearing gracious and even rueful, and ending up talking about shared daycare while you all tour in your girl-power band this summer. We´re rooting for all of you.